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ONE YEAR TO LIVE-A vision gives me one year to live as of may 13th 2002: this Journal is how I deal with that! one year to live

one year to live
October 26th, A dream event shows me that I will live till late 2011 or early 2012, then I will leave with the rest of much of humanity, at the "END, this dream states"! [a collective massdeath event of some kind, probably!] ---yet another Extension, now living *way* beyond my [apparently] pre-birth setup Life Plan! Stay Tuned!

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Friday, January 23, 2004
10:33 AM
Interesting, trying to WRITE a journal! my autism seems to get in the way!

I have found, over the years, that i "am a story-teller"! that is...that I tell stories to someone or to someones. This is *not* the same as writing a story or of an account.

[oh so so so many people tell me," oh, freestone, you should write down your stories; write a book even!"!]


I find that the story that i tell someone is crafted to that person as if i am the water and he is the cup and the story is crafted to fit his soul. does not translate into writings!

too...there is the technical hurdle of the technical thing of the handwriting. i have well enough trouble getting an image translated into words, as i have to utterly leave one reality, and set it aside, then to find the word for an image and then to speak that word.
three processes! be like you are in the middle of baking a cake, then the phone rings and you leave this cake mixing to go aside to talk, and then the mailman comes with a complicated form to fill out and to return to him right there and you merrily go from phone to cake to clerk to cake to phone, over and over.

writing. the actual penmanship or the typing speed of 5 wpm is yet another step that ruins the story!
worse...each and every statement needs about an hour of talk to "soften it".!!
thus what happens, in my own writings, is that i am dismayed utterly, when i go back to re-read my writings, to see and to feel the anger that oozes between the lines of everything that i write, in my journals!!
anger that is there as i have to fight fight with the means of communicational writings!! nothing is doing what i want it too, and if it DOES, if i put more effort into "form", then 99% of my efforts are nothing but..
"the weather is fine"
"i am good"
sky is blue"!!

so I weastle [ I spell as the word *SOUNDS, dammit!!!!!] with the Python of techique and my anger is just the frustations of trying to get three or four things done at once!!

too...i get angry in my writings as i find that if i make *any * statement about anything, that one little statement needs about 6000 words to explain it!! at typing 5 words per minute, that is not an option!!!!
thus much much of my writings are just ripped apart snippets! "ya want to look at my frog and i rip off a leg, of this living frog, and give it to ya"!!

"blacks suffer, collectively, as they are one of the gateways for Young souls to Incarnate into the world"!
oh boy, that one sentence got me very flamed, once...but this "racist' statement SOUNDS so so much different when spoken as then i can give all the 38 variences and subtle meanings of this: in "writings", see, i can only write out that one line and oh it reads..."bigot"!

so much of my journal reads like it is written by someone who is a bit 'schizo"!
broken ideas unrelated to one the wall statements that NEED 50 more sentences to explain them, each statement really really needs 50 more lines, to explain it....

I think in pictures and everytime that i have to leave the picture to look at pen or paper or even to try to rummage around in my brain for a corressponding word, the picture is GONE!

"what did you eat for lunch on july 18th of 2001"?
" cannot REMEMBER?!! did eat lunch, so the memory is there.....what do you mean that you cannot recall?"!!
when i leave a picture to scribe very very carefully an "e" in my handwriting letter, "poof", the picture disapears!
cannot do both!
i write.
i create.
an eternity between them, in time! if i can do both, then you can recall what you ate back then!

then there is the curse of "punctuations...caps....etc..etc."! this is why, if i do not use the spellcheck, i write in small letters and do not punctuate: gotta remove the non-essntuals, in a hard drive of one GIG, my brain, in the 80-gig world of brains of "normals"!! if i remove all of these punctuational conventions, i can get a bit of 'slack", and thus can perhaps get a better connection between thinking, imaging, translating into words and then getting the naked words down onto keyboard/paper!!

---ruminations on my autistical laments of writing my journals......


posted by freestone wilson at 10:33 AM

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